Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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