Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
