he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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