You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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