it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
