and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
