Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
