I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
