Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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