My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my being single is dangerous.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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