I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
babies were throwing up all over the place
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
