alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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