so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
