Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
