Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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