Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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