my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still dying that you shit outside
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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