Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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