Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
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i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
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Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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