Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
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Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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