Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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