Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
