Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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