my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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