Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
