I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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