so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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