He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
