Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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