I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
