You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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