just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
