Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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