so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
