this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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