Im at strip club and am horny
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
