Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
