Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
