I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just had sex on a roof
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
