I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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