Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
and you said cock pushups were impossible
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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