why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
