apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
