I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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