so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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