So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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