Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
