when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
