i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
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