i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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