I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
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You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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