I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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