im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
