My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
