hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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