I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize