My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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